This morning was one of those mornings.
I was in a hurry so I couldn’t change my polka-dot shirt that fit weird. My hair was gross, bobby pins were too loose and--wow, that color does not look good on me. Walking down to campus, the somber grey mist matched my cloudy mood, and I wished it would rain so I could whip out an umbrella to hide my face. And then as I turned my course to the SWKT, it seemed blatantly obvious that every woman in sight had gone to great lengths that morning choosing a super-cute,
coordinated outfit that looked amazing good, and everyone had the appearance to my mind of spending hours in
consultation with hair and make-up artists for “gorgeous Monday”--I guess I missed the memo--come one people, why is everyone so darn beautiful? Plodding along with a scowl of comparison that refused to accept rationality, I somehow stopped for second (figuratively speaking, of course. I was still marching stoically forward to an uncertain fate that was my first class).
Was I really fighting this battle again after so many years ripping myself apart in every way and then finally allowing healing, was I really going to slip back into the never-ending cycle of miserable I’m-not-good-enough?
GOOD HEAVENS NO. I have learned my lesson; I'm LEARNING more every day! Suddenly I wanted to stop in my hurried tracks and shout with all the strength I could gather--I will not get tied up with being a “what” today. I am a “who,” not just a face in a crowd.
Goodness gracious, life is all about living in tune with our spirits and our hearts. And sometimes we pull ourselves together and go out to a new day with resolution and purpose, and we get mown down and squashed with lost love, or love found but unfounded, or failure or mistakes or dreams that fly away like pretty little birds into oblivion to get sucked into the sun and fried as if no one cares but you. Yes, sometimes we feel like everything that could have gone wrong, did. And then a few other things you never imagined in your worst nightmares.
But you know what I think?
I want to be me. I want to be like my beloved, brilliant friend Kate Cutchins and see the world in my own way, so that when I go home to my heavenly father and mother, I will be at peace knowing that I didn’t waste time trying to be someone else--I kept my chin up in the storms and I tried with all my heart to progress with my body and my spirit together, because what I am is not a
or a title
or a job
or a resume description;
I’m not a what. Who I am is a daughter of beloved physical and spiritual parents with a purpose and destiny that is not confined to or defined by this life. I am not a half-hearted copy of someone else’s genius. I don’t want to fight against myself, I want to discover myself. We are so much more than mere mortals. Our purposes are eternal, not trivial.
So you, be you. You’re the best and most beautiful one there will ever be.